I was eyeing up some pasta sauce this evening in Tesco, whenever I am thinking about buying something I have a habit of throwing it between my left and right hand repeatedly, I guess it is some weird way of weighing things up in my mind.
I only usually do this weird ritual on stuff that will break when dropped (like glass pasta jars for example) and in fairness I don't usually drop stuff, although today my right hand decided that today would be an excellent day to change that. So I accidentally dropped a jar a pasta. It wasn't from a great height, but apparently enough to shatter glass. First thing I heard after the jar smashed was I faint cheer from somewhere, you know the one, that annoying cheer people insist on doing whenever they hear the sound of broken glass (although I can't imagine anyone cheering if they hear the sound of their window being broken into, that is an exception to the rule).
I looked around to see if there was anyone else on the same aisle, luckily there wasn't, other than the 2 store security guards who were stood at the end watching me. "fuck, well I'm not going to get away with it now am I" I thought to myself. I went over to them and informed them of the incident, not like they needed informing...
"don't worry, we will just add it to your bill...." (brief pause) "I'm only joking mate, don't worry about it, I will get the cleaner to clean it up" he said something on those lines.
With the security guard's blessing I continued by haphazard grocery shop. This was the first point I noticed that my hand was completely red. Most of it was just pasta sauce although I was bleeding from the thumb as well. I used a tissue to wipe most of the sauce away and lick my thumb to get rid of the blood, I didn't want to use that old tissue on a cut. My cut tasted all pastery (if that's a word). It was nice, the tangy flavour of tomatoes with a gentle hint of salt. Although the pasta taste didn't last long and after the second lick and I was left with the flavour of bleeding.
I still had some other stuff to buy but the bleeding wouldn't stop, everything I touched in the shop I was leaving my DNA on. Of course I was far to manly to ask the security guard for a plaster, I'd much rather walk around with a bleeding hand leaving my essence on everything. In fairness I just wanted to buy my groceries and leave, I was worried that if I asked for a plaster it would take ages and I would have to fill out some stupid accident book detailing my injuries, then sign some stupid document saying that I would not sue Tesco should I become ill and loose my hand or die as I result of my injuries.
A few aisles along I saw the woman manager run past me shouting for the cleaner, she was going ape shit saying that there was broken glass on aisle 2! I felt slightly guilt that she was running round looking for the cleaner because of me and my clumsiness. I kept a low profile when she ran past hiding both my face and more importantly my guilt bleeding hand.
When I got to my car I remember I had a medkit under the steering wheel. I didn't really want to use it though, I was saving it for that time when I witness and big traffic accident and I have to go in and save the day with my little red medkit and stop someone from bleeding to death with my quick fingers and some plasters. Though I decided to be selfish for once and use it on myself. So I got out my plasters and antibacterial wipes and patched myself up.
Though I still had the drive home to look forward to, because of the plaster wrapped round my thumb my left hand was permanently stuck in the thumps up position, this made driving home interesting. It wasn't any more difficult, I just felt like a bit of an idiot giving everyone I drove past the thumbs up. The drivers I stopped behind at traffic lights must have thought I was an idiot giving them the thumbs up constantly for doing nothing. "look hunny, that weird guy in that dodgy car behind us is giving us the thumbs up"
Anyway, I am home now, and don't worry, as you can see my injury has not affected my ability to write. I hope you are all very ecstatic to hear that =)
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| Note my shopping next to my medkit |
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| Sorry about the rubbish quality of my camera phone |
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